Wendesday, june 6, 2012

Incredibly Important Sharks News!

UPDATE! Man, what a time its been lately! FINALLY updating my wonderful blog here, talking about Sharks and the Chumb that's in the bucket. Today I visited the sharks.nhl.com only to see the boring and asinine "Randy's Ramblings" - what utter crap. Upon seeing his face, I literally puked in my mouth. Having eat a awesome steak lunch, I felt compelled to swallow the tasty gastrosteak-juice mixture back down. HEY - I DON'T WASTE FOOD, ma'ma ain't raised no fool.

So this is what I'm thinking...

Canada can go to hell, along with Illinois for that matter.

Being said i'm sure i'm going to need some kind of personal security, taser guns, other cool things and other flipping items to help out.


Monday, October 17, 2011

Incredibly Important Sharks News!

Congrats Boston!
Setoguchi for Burns!
Heatley for Havlat!
Crappy start to the season!

And we're caught up. So now I can bring you this actual incredibly important news: a website made Sharks cupcakes:

Wear the Cheese is a rad food blog that makes nerdy food. Good lord, they even made Krabby Patties! So enjoy your free plug, Wear the Cheese, from a rarely-updated overly-profane Sharks blog.

Friday, May 13, 2011


A buddy of mine started watching hockey recently, and after Game 6 of this series he realized, "that's why you have so much grey hair." This makes as much sense as anything I've ever heard.

Screw hockey. screw Game 7's. Nothing like this in the world. Good Shit San Jose, you kept the tank ROCKING last night and put Detroit in their place. Now lets make fun of those douchebags.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Just. Do. Wins.

As the 2010/2011 season wound to a close, you could hear the gnashing of teeth and clacking of 10-keys from Gilroy if you tried. One question took a million abacuses to solve:

"Who the hell are the Sharks facing in the playoffs?"

Thanks to the NHL's relentless pursuit of fan accessibility, there are not 2, not 3, but 4 GODDAMN COLUMNS in the NHL Standings - Wins, Losses, Overtime Losses, and the all-new, enigmatically named ROW (really overwrought?).

A single non-Shark game had 4 possible results that determined San Jose's first round opponent this year. In past years it's taken entire flowcharts to figure this shit out.

So why go through all of this? Why confuse your players, reporters, and fans? What if I could show you how to make the NHL standings so intuitive that any fan, of any age, could easily track who is on top of the league? I'll show you in just 3 simple words:

Just. Do. Wins.

That's it. Just do wins. No shootout losses. No regulation + OT wins. No 3 point games - hell, no point system whatsoever.

Just do wins.

2 columns - Wins and Losses. Won the most games in the league? You're #1. Won the fewest? You're last. It's just that simple.

"Heresy!", you cry. "The standings will be completely out of whack!", "Deserving teams will miss the playoffs!", "Shootouts are an abomination and too much fun as it is. I want the thrilling, 1-on-1 finish to my games to be a mere footnote on the outcome of the game, not to actually mean something!"

I'll address each of those objections, but first, here are the details of my proposal:

The Plan:
  1. Games are played exactly as is. 60 minutes of regulation, 5 minutes of overtime, followed by 3 rounds of shootout. Maybe bump OT up to 10 minutes of 4-on-4, but I think that's a good idea regardless.
  2. Eliminate the SOL, ROW, and PTS standings. Just keep track of Wins and Losses. Shootout wins count the same as regulation wins count the same as OT wins. SO Loss? SOL. You lost.
  3. This clearly will create quite a few tiebreaking situations so, *gasp*, lets crib most of this from the NBA:
a. The 3 division winners get seeds 1,2, and 3, ranked by wins.
b. After that, seeds 5-8 are based on # of wins.
c. 1st tiebreaker: Head-to-head record
d. 2nd tiebreaker: if in same division, division record; otherwise:
e. 3rd tiebreaker: conference record

Clear? Good. Now, those objections:

The standings will be out of whack.

Nope. Good teams win games, shitty teams lose them, and it shouldn't really matter if they win or lose in the shootout.

Let's look at the evidence. The shootout has been in existence for 6 full seasons now. I compared each teams' ranking using the points system vs. the win/loss system, and measured how much each team moved up or down with this new system. What happened?

The average team ranking changed by 0.78. On average, teams moved up or down their conference ranking by less than one degree. 5 seeds became 4 seeds. 12 seeds became 13 seeds. In other words, not that much changed. Good teams win, bad teams lose.

Deserving teams will miss the playoffs.

I guess that depends on how you define "deserving", but that argument doesn't hold up either. Ready for it?

Using the win/loss system, over the last 6 seasons there would be a total difference of 5 playoff teams. That is, of the 96 playoff teams since 05/06, 91 of them still would have qualified for the playoffs, and this situation hasn't arisen since the 07/08 season.

Furthermore, you're going to have a hard time convincing me that those ousted 5 teams were deserving of a playoff spot. Let's take a look at the most recent example, the 07/08 Boston Bruins vs. Carolina Hurricanes.

Carolina finished the season 43-33-6, good for 92 points and just 2 points off their division winner, Washington. Boston posted a 41-29-12 record, good for 94 points. If you'll recall, the East was logjammin' that year, with 5 teams between 92 and 95 points, and 6 teams between 41 and 43 wins. A crowded field for sure, with one team destined to be on outside of the playoff picture.

Which team just made it to the dance? The Boston Bruins, with their staggering 12 overtime losses. Carolina was squeezed out, despite having won 2 more games, and having won the exact same number of games as the #2 seed, Washington! You're telling me this is a fair system? Where Washington and Carolina skate off the ice with jubilation the same number of times, but one gets a 2 seed and the other hits the golf course early?

The points system does NOT reward deserving teams - it rewards teams for losing in overtime, and punishes teams for winning at all costs.

Shootouts Suck.

Screw you, you joyless punk. That should be all I need here, but let's continue anyways.

Shooutouts might be reviled by players, coaches, and purists, but they're the adored by the NHL's most important constituents - the fans, and particularly casual fans. Look, shootouts are captivating, thrilling, heartbreaking, and they pass The Sports Guy's remote control test (see #7 and ignore that ball kicking crap) - you will never change the channel when a shootout is on, and neither will anyone else.

This is no shocker, but the NHL is terrible at one of it's primary functions - marketing professional men's ice hockey to fans. Why is the NHL relegated to blucking Versus? Why do I need 4 columns to track the standings? Why is every NBC Sunday game some permutation of Philly, Pittsburgh, New York, and Washington? Because the league office is stupid, that's why. Their one great idea over the years has been the shootout - so let's capitalize on that and make it really ing count!

Let's make shootouts more exciting! Let's put more on the line! When I see Antti Niemi lining up against Corey Perry in the shootout, I'm freaking out, but I'm also thinking "we've already bagged a point" or "we've already given away a point". What I should be thinking is "holy $@#! we need to stop Perry right now or we walk away from this game with nothing." When Patrick Marleau has a chance to end the game on the 3rd and final round of the shootout, I should be thinking "He's gonna make this shot and we're going to take home another win!"

A simple call for reason.

All I want is some reason and simplicity. If we can make the NHL more accessible to fans and more exciting for all, why wouldn't we? Because regulation wins are somehow better than shootout wins? Bunk. Let's make standings that make sense. Just do wins.

Fap fap fap

ESPN's header image... rightnow!

Can't figure out which is more improbable:

  • Joe Thornton, Torrey Mitchell, AND Brian Wilson make it to the front page of ESPN.com?
  • 2 of 3 experts picking SJ in the finals? or
  • ESPN covering hockey in any way, shape, or form

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Magic Numbers 2011

I awaken from my deep slumber to bring back a regular Chum Bucket feature - Magic Numbers! See the sidebar on the right for the number of points San Jose needs to clinch a playoff spot and the Pacific Division.

*Hopefully* those numbers will start shooting downward as the season winds to a close and we go head-to-head with the Pacific the rest of the way (starting with LA tonight would be preferable).

Thursday, January 13, 2011

So ing Stupid

File:OCR-A char Less-Than Sign.svg

"Aquatic Danger Sense"? UGH.

Friday, December 17, 2010