BREAKING NEWS: Sharks Rout Wild 4-1 on the Breakout Game of Not Joe Thornton

Shock and awe reverberate through the San Jose community today, as not Joe Thornton scored 4 consecutive goals to defeat the Minnesota Wild, 4-1. “I just kept moving my skates and had my stick on the ice,” someone other than Joe Thornton said, “The puck just found its way to me.”

What makes this victory really stand out, though, was the play of everyone other than Joe Thornton coming into the game. Each of those players was in a slump going back to the very first game of the season. Some had even been moved to the press box as a healthy scratch. An underperforming young forward stated, “Coach told me to be ready to go at any minute, to get ready for that next pass from Big Joe. I just had no idea anyone else on this team actually knew how to pass. Or score. Or defend.”