Finally, Good Reason to Get Off My Ass

I intentionally started this blog in the off-season so I wouldn't be drowned with news and stories, and to ease myself into writing constantly. Well, this shit is harder than I thought. You know how a baby can drown in just 2 inches of water (babies = stupid)? Well, this blog is drowning under the trickle of news stories. I'll get around to posting about some of the Sharks news stories soon, but OH SHIT BREAKING OFF-SEASON NEWS THIS JUST IN:

"Hi, I'm the hottest piece of ass on the planet, and I just dumped my douchebag boyfriend"

It's Christmas in August! Elisha Cuthbert, whose abs have been known to make grown men weep for joy, has FINALLY dumped this embarrassment to evolution:

Though shit, Sean. That's what you get for being the most hated player in the NHL. I wouldn't worry about it though. With your winning personality, you could probably get any starlet in Hollyw... oh... nevermind.

Regardless, the real story here is that I'm 6'2" with an "athletic" frame. I'm a die-hard hockey fan and have actually been to Canada! Remember when we met at WonderCon 2005? You were the ultra-cute, ultra-sexy pixie that smiled and waved at me? I was the unshowered nerd, standing next in a crowd of 200 other unshowered nerds? I knew you would!



Anyways, if you want to hook up some time, no big deal. Just leave a comment below ONLY IF YOU ARE A DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS CANADIAN HOCKEY PRINCESS WHOSE PERFECTION CANNOT BE CONTAINED BY TIME AND SPACE.

Better Protect Your 5-Hole

Former San Jose Shark Mark Bell was whistled down for DUI and hit-and-run, and will serve 259,000 minutes in the Santa Clara County penalty box.

As a part of his no contest plea, the newest Maple Leaf will be allowed to serve his 6-month sentence during the next two NHL off-seasons. When asked how this will affect his off-season regiment, Bell stated “I am thrilled at the opportunity to improve my skills of sitting around and doing nothing.”

Bell posted career lows of 11 goals and 10 assists during his 71 games with San Jose. Sharks fans, while disappointed with the winger’s brief tenure, are said to be elated he will finally be shown how to fit a cylindrical object into a tight space.

The Wool Over Our Eyes

Writing about a new team logo is like complaining about the color of your blindfold – whoever picked it out could care less what you think of it, and really, its just there to distract you from the trouble you’re in. That said, this is a Sharks blog, I’m bored, and it’s summer, so here’s The Chum Bucket’s official opinion on the new Sharks logo:

Meh.

The good:

• The logo looks like it was ripped straight out of Batman: The Animated Series, the best cartoon from the 90s. Remember the episode where Mr. Freeze encased the entire Gotham Sharks team in an icy tomb, only to be thwarted by a Batman slapshot to his glass-domed head? OK, well that sounds stupid and never actually happened, but the art would have been sick.
• The Shark looks more aggressive… BECAUSE THE PLAYERS SURE AREN’T!!! Bwa ha ha I’m clever because our offseason was crap.
• The logos that have the full Shark body, particularly the shield, look great.
• They didn’t go crazy on us and overhaul the entire design.

The bad:

• Orange.
• To me it looks like Batman art, but some think it looks more like Anime art. If you’ve tried to watch afternoon cartoons lately, you know anime is ruining the children of America. These Japanese cartoons teach our children to dress up in school uniforms and fight monsters. What they should be learning about is vigilante justice doled out by an affluent white man. Oh yeah, and it looks retarded on a professional hockey team’s jersey.
• Completely unnecessary. Most people liked the old logo; the only justifiable desire for change would be to move past the tacky and uber-90s branding. But they kept the teal and the gaudy shark-biting logo, the most questionable parts of the old brand. This screams of an attempt to drum up merchandise sales.
• ORANGE!?!?! Are you fucking kidding me? Google “orange shark” right now. Fuck it I already did: "orange shark". You get a flash game, a recipe, and a surrealist painting:

Orange is not a color found in the Pacific Ocean!

To summarize, it's completely unnecessary but not the worst thing imaginable. Much like Patrick Rissmiller.

On Smitty

The Mercury News had an article today on Mark Smith, the only unrestricted free agent remaining from the Sharks roster:

How is this even an issue? Let's examine potential conflicts:

* Smith hates the sunshine and relative anonymity of San Jose; he would be much happier in Edmonton, Columbus, or one of the many other locales in the NHL's venture to find the smallest fan base in North America (Ladies and Gentlemen, here are your Guadalajara Predators!!!). This seems unlikely.

* Smith wants fat cash. As you know, Smith received $700K last year as determined by an arbiter. Due to his injury and lack of playing time, there's no way he can justify a raise. He'd have to be happy with whatever is happy on the table at this point.

* The Sharks don't have the roster space or money. No and Hell No. Despite the whirlwind, breakneck pace the Sharks have acted with this offseason, believe it or not they actually have fewer players and a reduced payroll! I know! Notably, the more-than-welcome departure of Bell created $2M+ in additional cap space and a hole at left wing. For effect: $2,000,000 of additional cap space, spot for a left-handed shot.

* Finally, the Sharks don't need a player with Mark Smith's skill set. You don't know how hard it was to actually write that sentence. The Sharks have the best player in the league. They have young but experienced forwards skaters. They have some of the best special teams in the league. They have a former Calder Trophy winning goaltender.

The only thing they don't have is a goddamned heart!

It's widely know Smith is the fantastic character guy. Everyone in the locker room loves him, he spends his free time in a band, he dyes his hair, women and children adore him. His name is Smitty! Trying to quantify is ridiculous, I just know there's not a single Sharks fan that is disappointed whenever #16 is out there on the forecheck. Figure this out, Wilsons, now.

Planning to Plan

The last two years I've gone to about 10 regular season Sharks games per year. It was an easy decision to finally make it official by slapping down my $100 deposit and buying a 10-game SharkPak!

I always imagine you have to say SharkPak quicker and with more pizazz than you'd say "Shark Pack". You gotta love the combination of the word Pak and the color teal to really throw you back to the early 90s. While researching this paragraph, I noticed the link on www.sjsharks.com is mispelled "SharkPack". You know you've made a poor choice in corporate branding when your own employees can't remember the catchphrase.

Regardless, the available plans are starting to be released, and I couldn't help but editorialize:

Pack A - The Angel Kisses Plan

Fri 9/21 vs. Anaheim (p) 7:30

Sat 10/13 vs. Boston 7:30

Wed 11/17 vs. Dallas 7:30

Fri 11/30 vs. Colorado 7:30

Thu 12/13 vs. Vancouver 7:30

Thu 12/20 vs. Phoenix 7:30

Sat 1/19 vs. Detroit 7:30

Tue 2/12 vs. Calgary 7:30

Wed 3/5 vs. Ottawa 7:30

Fri 3/21 vs. Anaheim 7:30

Ding, Ding, we have a winner! I'm pulling for our group to pick this one. My top criteria for any of these is the number of weekend night games, and this choice has 5 of 'em. Vs. Boston on opening night? Detroit on a Saturday night? The Ducks last visit to the Tank? Rock. The weekday games are solid too: vs. Dallas, Vancouver, Calgary, and Ottawa. The only crap-tacular game is against Phoenix, which I suppose is acceptable.

Plan B - The Friday Morning Hangover Plan

Sat 9/22 vs. Vancouver (p) 7:30

Sat 10/20 vs. Nashville 7:30

Sat 11/10 vs. Phoenix 7:30

Tue 12/11 vs. Minnesota 7:30

Tue 12/18 vs. Anaheim 7:30

Sat 1/12 vs. Toronto 7:00

Thu 1/17 vs. Dallas 7:30

Wed 2/6 vs. Colorado 7:30

Fri 3/14 vs. St. Louis 7:30

Tue 4/1 vs. Los Angeles 7:30

Eh, ok. Nashville and Toronto on weekends are solid, and I've never been to a Fan Appreciation night, you even get an Anaheim and a Dallas thrown in there. But St.Louis, Phoenix, and a Vancouver preseason game? 7 weekday games?

Plan C - The Soccer Mom Plan

Sat 9/29 vs. Calgary (p) 7:30

Fri 11/2 vs. Los Angeles 7:30

Sat 11/17 vs. Anaheim 7:30

Sat 12/15 vs. Dallas 1:00

Thu 1/10 vs. Vancouver 7:30

Thu 1/24 vs. St. Louis 7:30

Sat 2/2 vs. Chicago 1:00

Thu 2/14 vs. Edmonton 7:30

Mon 3/3 vs. Montreal 7:30

Sun 3/30 vs. Phoenix 5:00

Fuck me with a pitchfork, what a nightmare. I don't think I can describe how bad this is. To start - 3 day games? 3 day games! The only time I leave the house by 1 o'clock on a Saturday is to attend a wedding or a funeral, and the Sharks ripping the shit out of the Blackhawks isn't close enough to either. Just 2 weekend night games, both in the first 1/3rd of the season, one against LA. Hrm... LA, Phoenix, St. Louis, Chicago - suck, really suck, suck, suck. My advice - if you have small children or constantly wonder where the ball is, BUY THIS PLEASE.

Plan D - The Plan B

Thu 10/18 vs. Detroit 7:30

Mon 11/12 vs. Phoenix 7:30

Wed 11/28 vs. Los Angeles 7:30

Sat 12/8 vs. Buffalo 7:30

Sat 12/22 vs. Anaheim 7:30

Thu 1/3 vs. Calgary 7:30

Tue 1/22 vs. Chicago 7:30

Sat 2/9 vs. Nashville 7:00

Wed 3/19 vs. Minnesota 7:30

Thu 3/27 vs. Dallas 7:00

My second choice. Obvioulsy, the lack of a preseason game is a huge incentive. Also, the 3 weekend nights are solid - vs. Buffalo, Anaheim, and Nashville. However, you're still getting a tour-de-force of the Western Conference bottom feeders - LA, Phoenix, and Chicago.