Detroit Wins The Stanley Cup

Congratulations to the Detroit Red Wings for your unbelievable, emotionally charged championship victory! No one ever believed in you!

Seriously though, good job ruining another hockey season. Your unstoppable juggernaut left little things like competition, parity, and hope in its wake.

Detroit fans, you must be on top of the world. Enjoy your moment in the spotlight. You must already be looking forward to the Yankees winning the World Series, an old white man becoming the next president, and with any luck, the return of the Holy Roman Empire.