Pittsburgh Needs Their Booze Back

Wow...



You wanna see acting?



Now THAT's acting.

A Few Thoughts On Recent Events

• I'm pretty happy with what I've seen the past two games...

• San Jose dominated a weak Edmonton team even with the weird travel schedule and ridiculous temperature. I'd never heard anyone actually get legitimately angry at the temperature until Randy and Drew went off on it last night.
  

• I still hate the Oil for bumping us out 2 years ago and Raffi's little bitch cheap shot on Michalek. Nice to see karma working overtime - the Oil are a irrelevant, Raffi's out for the year, and God is trying to freeze their little cow town off the map. Suck on it, moose jockeys.

• Last night had "freak game" written all over it. Back-to-back's each in sub-zero cold, Iginla and Thornton shut out, Owen Nolan with his first hat trick in 9 years, Nabokov with some terrible mental errors... I think we'll see Haley's Comet or a sober Brittney Spears before we see that set of circumstances again.

• The one thing that wasn't a freak occurrence - Kipper played lights out. That guy is pretty good, I hear.

• By all accounts, this Jody Shelley trade is a great one for the Sharks. The comments here, especially from Blue Jackets fans, are quite reassuring. A fan favorite and an enforcer? Sounds like a Ricci-Parker hybrid, minus the crazy hair and wicked goatee. Now there's a photoshop candidate.

• Now would be a good time for momentum, fellas. 6 consecutive home games against the dregs of the Western Conference. Here are the opponents, with their rank in the WC (out of 15):
  
• Chicago (14)
• Colorado(7)
• Columbus (10)
• Nashville (11)
• Calgary (5)
• Edmonton (13)

11 / 14 points, please.

Two Man Army

Joe Thornton, fan in the stands. From the SF Gate:

Before Joe Thornton left town for last weekend's NHL All-Star Game, the center was asked whether he thought any other Sharks deserved to join him and goalie Evgeni Nabokov in Atlanta.

"No!" Thornton practically shouted, without even pondering the question.

BREAKING NEWS: Honda Center Employee Shows Up To Work Whenever He Feels Like It

ANAHEIM, CA - Luis Hernandez, a box office employee at the Honda Center, arrived at work today whenever he felt like it. Sources close to Hernandez say he woke up at approximately 11 a.m., rolled around in bed for an hour, and finally decided he was ready to face the day at 2:30 p.m., local time. His coworkers at the Honda Center were not amused. "We're trying our best to stay afloat here," ticket rep Julia Mayers said, "We could really use some help from one of our fastest and most talented employees. Is that he here yet? Tell him to get to work as soon as he gets here." When asked for comment, Hernandez simply stated "That's just how things work around here."

The employee in question was fired from a rival organization 5 years ago for not showing up to work at all.

LOL Sharks

Inspired by LOL Cats and LOL Jocks:







And, finally, in honor of Sunday's Royal Rumble:

BREAKING NEWS: Sharks #1 Team In Hockey, Parade Scheduled

In a move anticipated by team officials, the San Jose Sharks have been dubbed the official "#1 Rated Team In All Of Hockey" by virtue of a 4-1 win last night against the St. Louis Blues.

A special award ceremony is scheduled for this Sunday, so as not to interfere with the remainder of the NHL season. The parade route, decided upon immediately following the victory, will begin at 4th Street and continue down Santa Clara Street until concluding at the HP Pavilion. At that point, a trophy for Where The Team Is At Today will be bestowed upon Silicon Valley Sports and Entertainment ownership.

When asked for comment, Head Coach Ron Wilson turned green, grew to 8 times the size of a normal human being, and ripped an M1 Abrams tank in half.

We're Bringing In Consultants

David Pollack from Working The Corners tried to ask Ron Wilson if winning today's game, going into the All-Star Break, has any more importance than any other game. Oops:

“What’s going to happen if you don’t win that game? Now we’re the underachieving team again. Last week we were rated #1 team in hockey . . . It’s all a bunch of …

“Geeze, you win a few games, you lose a few games — it’s part of life in sports. It’s where you are at the end of the year. They don’t hand out awards for where we are today, tomorrow — it’s only at the end of the year and what you do in the playoffs.

“We lost a few games, it’s not the end of the world. When we win a few games, it doesn’t mean we’re going to win the Stanley Cup, or we should start putting down the parade route.

“That’s the only question you haven’t asked me: Where’s the parade route going to be after we’ve won four in a row? Seriously.

“I try to avoid reacting . . . You’ve got to keep an even keel. I’ve done this for 15 years.

“You just shake your head. It’s not the end of the world. Our whole society reacts and
overreacts to everything we do. Like Dallas, what are they doing today?? They lost to
Columbus. Oh my God. Two days ago, they’re going to win the division. It doesn’t happen that way. It’s a nice, slow steady pace. You try to get better. Simple as that.

“I get frustrated having to explain that all the time.”

Wilson continued, "Well-well look. I already told you: I deal with the god damn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills! I am good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?"

Nicknames

One of my goals for the year is to have a nickname for every player on the roster. I'm pretty happy with what I've got so far:

• Steve Bernier is Big Bear and I'll have it no other way, thank you.
• Bilo for Dmitri Patzold (younger, retarded, Kazakh)
• We already have a Cheech, so we gotta get a Chong. Hmmm... Chong... Chong... Sorry, I guess that means you, Setoguchi (you were thinking it too).
• Fine, Devin, you can still be Gooch. I hope you're happy now.
  

Which is how I stumbled upon the (near) perfect nickname for our rookie sensation Torrey Mitchell - "Notorious".


It's perfect except for 2 things - 1. I can't just call him Notorious, it's gotta be Notorious something. I'm going with Notorious 17 until further notice. 2. I refuse to type the word "NoTorreyus". That was it, right there. Never again. I feel stupider for doing it in the first place.

Ways to improve on Notorious 17? Any choice B.I.G. lyrics appropriate for Mitchell? Scrap the whole idea? Any other Shark nicknames that you want the world to know about?

Fire Ron Wilson! Do It Now While We Still Have A Chance!

An excellent guest editorial from contributor/friend Ted. My thoughts after the post. Take it away...

Fire Ron Wilson! Do it now while we still have a chance!

I used to have a dog named Jackie that was so skittish we couldn't even take her outside in public. One time she had a balloon ribbon wrapped around her leg and when she moved a big yellow balloon chased her all over the house. She pissed on the floor in half the rooms of the house before we were able to set her free. I swear to god the Sharks players have the same look on their faces when they have the puck as Jackie did when that balloon was chasing her.

Hockey is supposed to fun to play right? Or a better question for us is: hockey is supposed to be fun to watch right? I take no pleasure in seeing the boys in teal skulk their way across the ice looking like Tina Turner after forgetting to go to the store to get more MGD.

The solution? Get rid of Wilson. Sure, these guys are professionals, they should be able to take criticism and a few pointed jabs from the boss, but we've all worked in environments where all we hear is what a shitty job we're doing and never an admission that maybe our superiors could do a little better themselves. That feeling of walking through the hallways waiting to hear how you fucked up another account or report. There is criticism, and then there is bullying. When RW first came to the Sharks I loved his candor. He said whatever he wanted and that goes a long way in respecting a boss. But when that brutal honesty doesn't extend to the job he himself is doing it becomes hypocritical and downright toxic.

His quote after tonights game against Chicago: "A couple of our guys, I wonder if they even know how to play on our end of the rink."

Nice.

Everyone hates passive aggresive bullshit. Those players know who they are, and this just seems like a good way to piss them off. Really, has this tactic of motivation ever worked in the history of bullshit motivational tactics? All it does is make you want to sabotage the copy machine or key the boss' car. Marleau's house key is probably rubbed down to a little nub at this point.

Hey RW, how about your decision to put big #21 on the ice at the key moment of the last Anaheim game? Or your decision to condemn the finally flying Bernier on a line with the comatose Marleau and some guy named Plihal? (I forgot this guy was even a part of the organization!) How about a "We all are accountable, including myself."? If I was a Shark, I would find RW's comments about as productive and informative as a John Shrader interview.

Doug please, please, get rid of the lesser Wilson and let these guys have fun again. Let Patty resign his C and watch him make fools of the blue line again. Let me have fun watching our players have fun. Do it!

Side note: Weirdest moment from the game. When Randy was talking about defending the "back end" and the camera cut to a shot of two little kids in the audience. One of them had a popcorn bucket on his head and a cell phone in his hand. Right before they cut to commercial break Randy randomly says "Backhand that phone right out of his hand." Whoa! Popcorn bucket-headed kids suck ass, we all know it, but thats something we all keep to ourselves or in the presence of like minded individuals. Give me a call Hahn, we'll talk.

[GeneralDisarray] I'm agreeing with this sentiment more and more these days. Check out this Warriors game recap following a disappointing loss. Head Coach Don Nelson:

"It's my fault. I'll take the blame for this one," Nelson said. "It's my responsibility to get my players ready to play and I didn't do a good job. I'll be a little careful with what I say because I'm angry (and) disappointed among other things."

Does that sound at all like Ron Wilson? No. Ron Wilson sounds like Mike Nolan - the lame duck 49ers coach who pits himself against his players and his players against the media. Do we want our beloved hockey franchise following the steps of our beleaguered football franchise?

Patrick Lalime Punches Like A Little Girl

Oh, and the Sharks played well tonight. Torrey Mitchell is the shit, but you already knew that.

Dow Jones... No Wait, That's Marleau's Plus/Minus

The only difference is, when things go this badly in the stock market, at least stock brokers have the decency to jump.

Cheap Shot, Fight, Power Play

I consider myself a connoisseur of goonery. This sequence might've been my favorite Sharks moment of the year:



A blind side cheap shot on a Stars captain... Marchment must be getting misty eyed about now

And in case you missed it, Rick Nash's GWG vs. Phoenix the other night was ok, I guess.

Midseason Report Card

Close enough. Doug Wilson recently stated about 10 of the Sharks are "grading out at about a C". That means it's time to pull out the red pen and pass out marks:


Straight A Students:

Two students are at the head-of-the-class: Nabokov and Thornton. I said in my season preview that these two would have to be nothing short of stellar for the Sharks to make an impact, and they certainly have lived up to that. They are the driving force keeping the Sharks near the top of the NHL standings.

Also earning an A: Mike Grier gets an A- for busting his ass every shift. We're grading on the curve, apparently.

Solid B:

I'm handing out B+'s to Milan Mihalek and Torrey Mitchell. Both have played over their heads so far and it's always exciting to see the puck on their sticks. They are still not the playmakers to launch them into the next stratosphere.

Also earning a B: B- for Bernier, partially because he's playing much better/physically the last 10 games, partially because I wanted to give a B to Big Bear.

C, or basically half the Sharks

Capable of doing more but not, still not anything horrifically bad, disappear for stretches of time, half the time infuriating me and half the time causing cheers. This sound like anyone on the roster to you?

Carle, Cheechoo, McLaren, Pavelski, Rissmiller, Rivet, Vlasic


D

Marcel Goc - kinda good at face-offs but sucks at everything else. Only saved from an F because he doesn't draw my ire like those below, and his blog entertains me for about 30 seconds each week - 30 seconds longer than his on ice performance, I should note.

F - YOU FAIL

Patrick, Patrick, Patrick... Remember the hat tricks? Remember busting your ass as the only star on a rising Stanley Cup contender? Remember looking like you care? When Marleau touches the puck now, I expect bad things to happen. I expect he'll cough it up on the entry dump. I expect he'll be a step behind the forward he's defending. I expect his shot on goal to be a soft little saucer into the goalie's glove. I remember expecting greatness.

Also failing: Ehrhoff and his alergic reaction towards controlling the puck, Semenov and his alergic reaction towards talent, skill, and movement.

Good Behavior

The Douggernaut and Ozolinsh - both guys playing better than expected, even if that's not too great. Also, for not getting drunk.

Insubordination

Jeremy Roenick has been more than willing to call out poor efforts from his fellow teammates, both behind closed doors and in the media. And on this report card, Insubordination is a great thing. For a team that's lacked vocal leadership and a killer instinct, J.R. has done his best to provide both.

Most Improved

Rob Davison - he's been a minor revelation. Necessity breeds invention, and the Sharks needed another left-handed shot amongst the forwards, so they promoted their least talented lefty D-man. This worked out incredibly - Davey's seeing way more playing time for being more than willing to forecheck and work hard for those pucks in the corner. Even better, he's the rare Shark that's down to drop the gloves.

Tardy

Curtis Brown just hasn't had the ice time to do much, but he's provided his trademark so-good-defensively-I-can't-be-any-good-offensively style of play. Brown is talented enough to create turnovers on the PK, but has no breakaway skills to actually score on them.

Incomplete

Clowe, Setoguchi, Greiss. Obvious enough - we haven't seen enough from these fellows to warrant a grade. I have high hopes though. I didn't think Clowe was gonna make it back on the ice this year, so that's a welcome surprise.


Leave your grades in the comments section. How about Ron Wilson? Drew Remenda? S.J. Sharkie?

Don't Shake Hands With Big Bear

From the always awesome Working the Corners:

Finally, right wing Steve Bernier is hoping to be on the ice tonight, but that’s going to be a game-time decision. Bernier was up until 2 a.m. today dealing with the stomach flu that sidelined him Sunday in Anaheim. He practiced with his teammates, but knew he still needed to build up his strength by the opening faceoff.

“I feel normal right now so hopefully I’ll get my energy back for the game,” Bernier said. “I’ve just got to drink a lot of Gatorade and hope that I’m going to be able to eat lunch, too.”

As for Bernier’s ailment: “It was bad. You don’t want to know.”

Wow. Someone get that guy a Chum Bucket. Ba-Dum-CHING!

"No Tlaxashun wihout Representashuuuughhhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

For a while there I kind-of-but-not-really wanted to visit Pittsburgh: home of the legendary Steelers, the biggest rising sports star in Sid the Kid, open policy towards wearing yellow and black 365 days a year...

But now the city is dead to me. DEAD TO ME! From the local Pittsburgh rag:

"Sports fans seeking to drown their sorrows or enhance their ecstasy now have to pay more for the privilege, courtesy of Allegheny County's new 10 percent tax on alcoholic beverages."

10% tax on booze!?! What cruel America haters approves a tax on the most fun, American pastime there is - getting all liquored up? But sports fans, it gets worse:

"Penguins fans attending last night's game at Mellon Arena against the Toronto Maple Leafs, for instance, ponied up $6 for a 12-ounce bottle of beer, a 14 percent hike from $5.25 before the tax that began Tuesday.

A 16-ounce beer can's new price was $7, 12 percent higher than the old $6.25. And a 21-ounce draft beer rose 11 percent to $7.50, up from $6.75."

I've never been to Shittsburgh, but even I know there's nothing to do but get wasted, watch sports, and play with your McBeam. Now they're taxing the booze in America's 15th most depressed city?

Astute/Alcoholic readers might notice Mellon Arena's new 21 oz. beer price ($7.50) is actually less than The Tank's ($7.75). But god damnit, if I'm paying nearly 8 bucks for a beer, it's because I live in a beautiful, temperate, technology-driven paradise. NOT because I'm subsidizing an imminently doomed metalworking industry.

So, to my depressed, football-challenged compatriots, I say take to the streets! Cast your kegs and cases into the Allegheny River! Let the streets run amber with the sweet savory flavor of your discontent!!! Most importantly - give me a reason to visit your crappy little town - free booze!

And hey, if that doesn't work, at least West Virginia still looks like Pennsylvania's ballsack.

Guest Post!

Whoo Hoo! I get to be lazier than usual! Wonder in amazement with this well-written and thought out post from my buddy Ted. I'll be back for dick-and-fart jokes tomorrow:

-No Bernier, McLaren, or Nabokov. Despite that we played well in stretches, and had the upper hand for a majority of the game.

-I know it was his first NHL game, but I kept waiting for Dennis Rodman to come out of nowhere and grab the puck and slam dunk it into the net. I sure hope Thomas "Rebound" Greiss gets a whole lot steadier.

-Fucking Ehrhoff. Really. Why is he on the PK? I don't understand it, I would even prefer another forward were out there instead of that liability. And then theres the goal we (he) gave up in OT. That was classic Errorhoff. His back to the trailer, staring at Murray and the guy with the puck, completely out of position when Beauchemin swooped in for the easiest goal of his life. Turn the fuck around and take your man! Get in the passing lane! Do something! I thought it was classic when they did the between periods segment where Drew was asking the other players who they would like to have their back when things get rough. The players generally named who you would expect, and then they asked Rivet. He said, "Murray, Davison.............Ehrhoff." Then Remenda practically has an anuerism, "EHRHOFF?!?" And then they go to a wider shot and Ehrhoff is sitting right there! Rivet tries to throw him a bone and Remenda shoots it down. Drew rules!

-Oh yeah, so thats why I haven't seen Seminov in a few weeks. Is is really so hard to clear the puck? And it's not just him, it seems to be a general problem for anyone in teal.

-On the bright side Marleau seems to be coming along. Instead of not noticing him for games at a time or cringing when he has the puck I've noticed he seems to have some life back in his game, lets hope he keeps it up.

-I've never seen a team have a 3 on 1 while also on the PK. That was awesome.

-Why do the most important parts of the Sharks game fall apart when it matters most? I loved it when Randy pointed out that the Sharks were taking the Ducks behind the shed on faceoffs, and then said they'll need to keep it up in the 3rd if they want to stop Anaheim from coming back. Then ten minutes into the period they show that Anaheim is up 7-0 in faceoffs for the period. I don't know how the whole period shaped up, and for the game San Jose did dominate, but they've got to learn to keep it together in the clutch.

They've been on a roll, and this was only one game without a lot of key guys, but it really was disappointing after a horrible day otherwise. Here's hoping next weekend is better, I'm stoked about Saturdays game against Detroit.

[GeneralDisarray] - Please, if you want to write something for the Bucket, send it to me. Photoshops of Dennis Rodman-Thomas Greiss are also highly appreciated.

BREAKING NEWS: Sharks' Nabokov to skip All-Star Game to do Ron Wilson's laundry, taxes

SAN JOSE, CA - Sharks coach Ron Wilson stated today that should goalie Evgeni Nabokov be chosen to replace Roberto Luongo on the 2008 All-Star team, he will be forced to skip the event due to the rest days before and after the event.

"We can't afford to give Nabby that kind of rest," Wilson said. "To give him two whole days off, it could spell disaster for our team."

Nabokov will perform a variety of errands over the weekend, including doing the coach's laundry, filing his taxes, picking the kids up from soccer practice, and scrubbing Wilson's bathtub.

"Yeah, I had to keep telling Patzold that gunk isn't gonna come off with a spit and a swipe. You've gotta get in there and use some elbow grease. Nabby's the only one with any work ethic. Back to Worcester, Bilo."

Nabokov could not be reached for comment. He was last seen whimpering, asking to see his family, and trying to remember what the sun looks like.

3rd in the Stars, 1st in my Heart

Evgeni Nabokov was named the NHL's 3rd star for the month of December. Take it away, Yahoo Sports:

"Nabokov appeared in 15 games last month, going 10-4-1 with a pair of shutouts, a 1.96 goals-against average and a .925 save percentage. The 32-year-old native of Kazakhstan allowed two goals or fewer in 11 contests.

The only netminder to start each of his team's games this season, Nabokov has posted a league-best 22 victories and ranks third in GAA (1.99) and shutouts (five)."

If Nabokov doesn't make the All-Star team, I'm gonna jump the half boards and go escaped tiger on someone.