SAN JOSE, CA – Former San Jose Shark Mark Bell was honored Wednesday for his service to the San Jose community. Bell received a key to the city and a medal commemorating his service. Additionally, a memorial statue will be constructed in his honor.
The accolades recognize Bell’s 440 hours of court-ordered community service related to a June 2007 drunk driving and hit-and-run charge. The winger was originally sentenced to six months in jail, but for some reason, the sentence was commuted. 3 months of 9-to-5 manual labor was considered an equal punishment.
Bell played down his heroic image, stating “I was just like anybody else who made a mistake. I was treated like everyone else”. When reached for comment, everyone else disagreed, saying they didn’t get to put their sentence on hold so they could play hockey, they didn’t settle their injury suit out of court, and they sure as hell didn’t get to pick up some trash instead of serving court-ordered prison time.
Bell’s memorial statue will be erected at a truck stop near the intersection of Highways 101 and 85. The location was chosen because of Bell’s extensive servicing performed in the men’s bathroom.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
New Look, Same Penis Jokes
You may have noticed The Chum Bucket got a fresh layer of paint last night. Check it out and let me know if you like it. It's still a work in progress.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Planning to Plan - Year 2
Like the first flake of snow in winter, I anticipate the first sign of hockey in San Jose. That first sign arrived in the mail a few days ago – my SharksPak ticket renewal form! As with last year, I decided to study that shit like the Zapruder film and decide which plan is superior for my fellow not-quite-season-ticket-holder compatriots. First up –
Plan A – FAIL
Fri 9/26 Anaheim (Pre)
Sat 10/11 Los Angeles
Thu 10/30 Detroit
Tue 11/11 Nashville
Tue 12/2 Toronto
Sat 1/3 NY Islanders
Tue 1/20 Vancouver
Tue 3/3 Dallas
Sun 3/22 Colorado (5 pm)
Thu 4/9 Phoenix (Fan Appreciation)
Plan A is not nearly as worthless as last year’s Working Mom Special (Plan C), but there’s still no way I’d ever pick this.
Best game – Halloween eve versus Detroit.
Worst game – Probably the 5 pm game vs. Colorado. Hockey games start between 7 and 7:30. We’ve been over this.
Other notes – Your weekend night games are a preseason game, vs. LA, and vs. the Islanders. NEXT!
Plan B – Debauchery Special
Sat 9/27 Vancouver (Pre)
Thu 10/9 Anaheim (Opener)
Sat 11/8 Dallas
Thu 12/4 Columbus
Sat 12/13 St. Louis
Sat 12/20 NY Rangers
Thu 2/5 Carolina
Thu 3/5 Minnesota
Sat 3/14 Los Angeles
Tue 4/7 Colorado
This is more like it. 5 weekend night games and 4 Thursday night games! I wonder if I can get away with calling in sick every other Friday.
Best game – Season opener vs. Anaheim, obviously.
Worst game – Thursday vs. Columbus. Ho hum.
Other notes – I like beer.
Plan C – The Late Bloomer
Tue 9/30 Phoenix (Pre)
Sat 10/18 Philadelphia
Thu 11/6 St. Louis
Thu 11/13 Calgary
Thu 12/11 Anaheim
Tue 1/13 Tampa Bay
Sat 1/17 Detroit
Sat 1/31 Chicago
Tue 2/17 Edmonton
Sat 3/21 Dallas (1 pm)
This plan kind of piddles along for the first 2 months of the season (Philadelphia, Yay?) until January. Then all at once you get Boyle’s former club, the Stanley Cup champions, and Brian Campbell’s new payday in the span of 3 weeks.
Best game – Got to be vs. Detroit on a Saturday.
Worst game – Preseason. Phoenix. Tuesday. They should be paying me to show up.
Other notes – I’ll go see Dallas at 1 on a Saturday. I won’t like it, but I’ll do it.
Plan D – The One Everyone Is Going To Buy
Tue 10/14 Columbus
Tue 10/28 Pittsburgh
Tue 11/4 Minnesota
Sat 11/22 Washington
Sat 12/6 Edmonton
Thu 1/15 Calgary
Thu 1/29 Phoenix
Thu 2/19 Los Angeles
Thu 3/19 Nashville
Sat 4/4 Anaheim
No one likes a preseason game.
Best game – Washington & Alexander the Great on a Saturday
Worst Game – Columbus on a Tuesday. That city is doing itself no favors these days.
Other notes – Anyone else notice the pattern? – 3 Tuesdays, then 2 Saturdays, then 4 Thursdays. No? No one else is that pathetic?
All in all, the Sharks ticket department did a really good job this year. B has the best dates and times, C has the best mix of opponents, and D gives the best all-around mix with no preseason games. You can’t go wrong with any of them.
Plan A – FAIL
Fri 9/26 Anaheim (Pre)
Sat 10/11 Los Angeles
Thu 10/30 Detroit
Tue 11/11 Nashville
Tue 12/2 Toronto
Sat 1/3 NY Islanders
Tue 1/20 Vancouver
Tue 3/3 Dallas
Sun 3/22 Colorado (5 pm)
Thu 4/9 Phoenix (Fan Appreciation)
Plan A is not nearly as worthless as last year’s Working Mom Special (Plan C), but there’s still no way I’d ever pick this.
Best game – Halloween eve versus Detroit.
Worst game – Probably the 5 pm game vs. Colorado. Hockey games start between 7 and 7:30. We’ve been over this.
Other notes – Your weekend night games are a preseason game, vs. LA, and vs. the Islanders. NEXT!
Plan B – Debauchery Special
Sat 9/27 Vancouver (Pre)
Thu 10/9 Anaheim (Opener)
Sat 11/8 Dallas
Thu 12/4 Columbus
Sat 12/13 St. Louis
Sat 12/20 NY Rangers
Thu 2/5 Carolina
Thu 3/5 Minnesota
Sat 3/14 Los Angeles
Tue 4/7 Colorado
This is more like it. 5 weekend night games and 4 Thursday night games! I wonder if I can get away with calling in sick every other Friday.
Best game – Season opener vs. Anaheim, obviously.
Worst game – Thursday vs. Columbus. Ho hum.
Other notes – I like beer.
Plan C – The Late Bloomer
Tue 9/30 Phoenix (Pre)
Sat 10/18 Philadelphia
Thu 11/6 St. Louis
Thu 11/13 Calgary
Thu 12/11 Anaheim
Tue 1/13 Tampa Bay
Sat 1/17 Detroit
Sat 1/31 Chicago
Tue 2/17 Edmonton
Sat 3/21 Dallas (1 pm)
This plan kind of piddles along for the first 2 months of the season (Philadelphia, Yay?) until January. Then all at once you get Boyle’s former club, the Stanley Cup champions, and Brian Campbell’s new payday in the span of 3 weeks.
Best game – Got to be vs. Detroit on a Saturday.
Worst game – Preseason. Phoenix. Tuesday. They should be paying me to show up.
Other notes – I’ll go see Dallas at 1 on a Saturday. I won’t like it, but I’ll do it.
Plan D – The One Everyone Is Going To Buy
Tue 10/14 Columbus
Tue 10/28 Pittsburgh
Tue 11/4 Minnesota
Sat 11/22 Washington
Sat 12/6 Edmonton
Thu 1/15 Calgary
Thu 1/29 Phoenix
Thu 2/19 Los Angeles
Thu 3/19 Nashville
Sat 4/4 Anaheim
No one likes a preseason game.
Best game – Washington & Alexander the Great on a Saturday
Worst Game – Columbus on a Tuesday. That city is doing itself no favors these days.
Other notes – Anyone else notice the pattern? – 3 Tuesdays, then 2 Saturdays, then 4 Thursdays. No? No one else is that pathetic?
All in all, the Sharks ticket department did a really good job this year. B has the best dates and times, C has the best mix of opponents, and D gives the best all-around mix with no preseason games. You can’t go wrong with any of them.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Gary Bettman Photoshop Contest!?!?
Update:View every entry here.
Goddamnit, how did I miss this!?! The awesome Puck Daddy blog has been hosting a photoshop contest entitled...
Gary Bettman: Portraits in Heroism
I'm laughing my ass off at these entries and kicking myself for not entering. Fuck it, I'll go home and work on one anyways for myself. Here's my favorites, links at the bottom to the full galleries.
Goddamnit, how did I miss this!?! The awesome Puck Daddy blog has been hosting a photoshop contest entitled...
Gary Bettman: Portraits in Heroism
I'm laughing my ass off at these entries and kicking myself for not entering. Fuck it, I'll go home and work on one anyways for myself. Here's my favorites, links at the bottom to the full galleries.
Monday, August 04, 2008
Top 10 Games To Get Shitfaced At
The NHL released full schedules a couple of days/weeks/eons ago, so thus I proudly present to you...
In chronological order:
#1. Thursday October 9th vs. Anaheim
Opening Night. Division Rival. Close enough to a weekend. Oh fuck yes! Home openers are always special so make sure you're at The Tank, you're loud, and you're drunk. Let's keep the lights on this time.
Recommended beverage - Gotta go big or go home on the first night. Irish Car Bomb.
#2. Tuesday October 28th vs. Pittsburgh
Sid the Kid's first career visit to the loudest arena in hockey and let's not forget about Russian wunderkind Evgeni Malkin. San Jose took out the eventual Eastern Conference Champs last year on their ice; time to do it at home too.
Recommended beverage - Anything from the duty-free shop at the airport. Because fuck alcohol taxes, that's why.
#3. Saturday November 8th vs. Dallas
San Jose's 07/08 campaign met its demise at the hands of these jerkoffs. Only steers and queers come from Texas, and they don't look like steers to me so that kinda narrows it down.
Recommended beverage - Jack Daniels. Revenge should be bitter and make me want to puke.
#4. Thursday November 13th vs. Calgary
Our less successful playoff opponent from last year. Love Kiprusoff and Iginla, love to hate Phaneuf.
Recommended beverage - Labatt Blue. Not everything from Canada sucks as much as Dion Phaneuf.
#5. Saturday November 22nd vs. Washington
The most electrifying player in the NHL, Alexander Ovechkin, takes to the ice at HP Pavilion. Also, on a Saturday, so you can wake up at 3 p.m. the next day and watch football if you're into that kind of thing.
Recommended beverage - Champagne. A bit early? Yes, but I won't be shitfaced at this game; I'll be shitfaced at my buddy's wedding. It's a celebration bitches!
#6. Tuesday December 2nd vs. Toronto
Ronny Wilson comes back to San Jose, says something snarky to Patrick Marleau, igniting him for a 4 goal outburst. Also, the SJPD will be on hand to give Mark Bell a personalized escort from the Santa Clara County jail.
Recommended beverage - 40 oz. of Mickey's. Just like Ron-Ron, it was good enough and got the job done for a while, then I got fucking sick of it and was happy to see it go. Also, the drink du jour of many Santa Clara County inmates.
#7. Tuesday January 13th vs. Tampa Bay
I love the new schedule. Another team I've heard of in rumor and hearsay only, the Tampa Bay Lightning, brings their roster of young stars and unfulfilled potential to town. Also, Barry Melrose's mullet and Dan Boyle showing why he's worth the money.
Recommended beverage - smuggled in flask of Seagrams. Dan Boyle earns $6,000,000 a year. Maybe he can afford $8 stadium beers.
#8. Saturday January 31st vs. Chicago
Speaking of big money, welcome back Brian Campbell! Not really. Normally, I wouldn't boo a guy that was only in town for a few weeks then left to sign a fat contract. However, normally I'm not done with a 5th of scotch by 7:30 p.m. So fluck you, ashhole!
Recommended beverage -5th of scotch, of course.
#9. Saturday March 14th vs. Los Angeles
There are plenty more deserving opponents and games on the schedule this year, however not a single one takes place during February or March. Start saving your cash for playoff tickets and only go out on Saturday night to the Sharks destroy the other Jack Johnson.
Recommended beverage - Pabst Blue Ribbon in a can. We're saving to get premium playoff seats, damnit! Save the premium beers for a legitimate opponent.
#10. Saturday April 4th vs. Anaheim
Now this is more like it. San Jose faces their division rival for the final time at home with just 5 games left in the season. This is the real fan appreciation night.
Recommended beverage - Gordon Biersch Marzen. Something home grown for our boys in teal. Go Sharks.
And you? Any other games you're looking forward to? Any beverages you'll be imbibing this year? Just 66 days until the puck drops on the regular season, Sharks fans.
In chronological order:
#1. Thursday October 9th vs. Anaheim
Opening Night. Division Rival. Close enough to a weekend. Oh fuck yes! Home openers are always special so make sure you're at The Tank, you're loud, and you're drunk. Let's keep the lights on this time.
Recommended beverage - Gotta go big or go home on the first night. Irish Car Bomb.
#2. Tuesday October 28th vs. Pittsburgh
Sid the Kid's first career visit to the loudest arena in hockey and let's not forget about Russian wunderkind Evgeni Malkin. San Jose took out the eventual Eastern Conference Champs last year on their ice; time to do it at home too.
Recommended beverage - Anything from the duty-free shop at the airport. Because fuck alcohol taxes, that's why.
#3. Saturday November 8th vs. Dallas
San Jose's 07/08 campaign met its demise at the hands of these jerkoffs. Only steers and queers come from Texas, and they don't look like steers to me so that kinda narrows it down.
Recommended beverage - Jack Daniels. Revenge should be bitter and make me want to puke.
#4. Thursday November 13th vs. Calgary
Our less successful playoff opponent from last year. Love Kiprusoff and Iginla, love to hate Phaneuf.
Recommended beverage - Labatt Blue. Not everything from Canada sucks as much as Dion Phaneuf.
#5. Saturday November 22nd vs. Washington
The most electrifying player in the NHL, Alexander Ovechkin, takes to the ice at HP Pavilion. Also, on a Saturday, so you can wake up at 3 p.m. the next day and watch football if you're into that kind of thing.
Recommended beverage - Champagne. A bit early? Yes, but I won't be shitfaced at this game; I'll be shitfaced at my buddy's wedding. It's a celebration bitches!
#6. Tuesday December 2nd vs. Toronto
Ronny Wilson comes back to San Jose, says something snarky to Patrick Marleau, igniting him for a 4 goal outburst. Also, the SJPD will be on hand to give Mark Bell a personalized escort from the Santa Clara County jail.
Recommended beverage - 40 oz. of Mickey's. Just like Ron-Ron, it was good enough and got the job done for a while, then I got fucking sick of it and was happy to see it go. Also, the drink du jour of many Santa Clara County inmates.
#7. Tuesday January 13th vs. Tampa Bay
I love the new schedule. Another team I've heard of in rumor and hearsay only, the Tampa Bay Lightning, brings their roster of young stars and unfulfilled potential to town. Also, Barry Melrose's mullet and Dan Boyle showing why he's worth the money.
Recommended beverage - smuggled in flask of Seagrams. Dan Boyle earns $6,000,000 a year. Maybe he can afford $8 stadium beers.
#8. Saturday January 31st vs. Chicago
Speaking of big money, welcome back Brian Campbell! Not really. Normally, I wouldn't boo a guy that was only in town for a few weeks then left to sign a fat contract. However, normally I'm not done with a 5th of scotch by 7:30 p.m. So fluck you, ashhole!
Recommended beverage -5th of scotch, of course.
#9. Saturday March 14th vs. Los Angeles
There are plenty more deserving opponents and games on the schedule this year, however not a single one takes place during February or March. Start saving your cash for playoff tickets and only go out on Saturday night to the Sharks destroy the other Jack Johnson.
Recommended beverage - Pabst Blue Ribbon in a can. We're saving to get premium playoff seats, damnit! Save the premium beers for a legitimate opponent.
#10. Saturday April 4th vs. Anaheim
Now this is more like it. San Jose faces their division rival for the final time at home with just 5 games left in the season. This is the real fan appreciation night.
Recommended beverage - Gordon Biersch Marzen. Something home grown for our boys in teal. Go Sharks.
And you? Any other games you're looking forward to? Any beverages you'll be imbibing this year? Just 66 days until the puck drops on the regular season, Sharks fans.
Clowe Back Officially
Calm down, denizens of the internet, Ryane Clowe has finally re-signed with the Sharks.
I don't get what all the fuss was about. He was definitely going to be re-signed and the "undisclosed terms" of 1 year at $1.6M are more than reasonable. In fact, it seemed like the hang-up was on Clowe's end, with his agent trying to negotiate for more years. Oops. Doug Wilson just owned your ass.
In related news, keep an eye out for flying pigs today, because the San Jose Sharks will actually spend the salary cap this season! According to nhlnumbers.com, Clowe's contract edges San Jose just over the cap by about $225,000. The obvious way to fix this is to do something with Kyle McLaren's contract. As much as I love Big Mac, it seems highly unlikely his on-ice performance will warrant the $2.5M due to him this season. I don't know what they'll do with him (read the CBA here, let me know what the options are, thanks), but don't expect to see many more hip checks from #4 in San Jose teal.
I don't get what all the fuss was about. He was definitely going to be re-signed and the "undisclosed terms" of 1 year at $1.6M are more than reasonable. In fact, it seemed like the hang-up was on Clowe's end, with his agent trying to negotiate for more years. Oops. Doug Wilson just owned your ass.
In related news, keep an eye out for flying pigs today, because the San Jose Sharks will actually spend the salary cap this season! According to nhlnumbers.com, Clowe's contract edges San Jose just over the cap by about $225,000. The obvious way to fix this is to do something with Kyle McLaren's contract. As much as I love Big Mac, it seems highly unlikely his on-ice performance will warrant the $2.5M due to him this season. I don't know what they'll do with him (read the CBA here, let me know what the options are, thanks), but don't expect to see many more hip checks from #4 in San Jose teal.
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