"...and if I was Mike Ribeiro..."

"...I would keep my head up the rest of the game or else my pretty little diamond earing might get knocked off my head." -Randy Hahn, saying what we all were thinking.

Happy Holidays!

A very special Boxing Day to you and yours...

The Epic Fail

Maybe this is more accurate:

The Epic Battle

I think this captures the spirit of tonight's game. Here's hoping we get Pavelski back.

Peppered

Watching Fox Sports Ohio was a great reminder of why you should never go to the Buckeye State. Example A:



I dunno, I'd like to see what else Desperate Debbie can do with her tongue.

Example B: The announcers repeatedly calling him Vuh-lasic. It's pronounced "VLA-sick" or "PICK-uhls" you backwater hicks. Go strangle yourself with a puh-lastic bag.

I'm clearly in a bad mood because of the final score, a 2-1 OT loss for the Sharks. But there's an reassuring trend throughout San Jose's losses.

Shot total for San Jose vs. shot total for opponent in Sharks losses
10/17 @ ANA: 38-20
10/24 @ FLA: 50-35
11/09 @ PHO: 32-30
11/11 vs. NAS: 57-29
12/06 vs. EDM: 43-17
12/17 @ CBJ: 48-32

Would you like some pepper with that victory? San Jose outshoots the opposition 44.7 - 27.2 in their losses. Opposing goalies have allowed 11 goals on 268 shots for a mind-numbing 0.959 save percentage.

If you want to beat the Sharks, you better be starting the second coming of Ken Dryden.

Hooray Series of Tubes

Today's tilt vs. the hated Columbus Blue Jackets is a radio only affair. Or you could watch it at Stanley's. Or not.

HT: Couch Tarts

Washed Away

While doing a little cleaning over at Momma & PoppaDisarray's the other day, I stumbled across some misplaced memories. My favorite newspapers commemorating Sharks history showed up - namely the pre- and post- series newspapers from the fabled 93-94 season. I couldn't wait to grab the sections and throw some pictures online for all you Bucketheads.

Also while at the folks, I borrowed some carpet cleaning chemicals. I don't know why my carpets look like the surface of the sun. Maybe I should vacuum more than once a year.

You might guess where this is going. I threw the newspapers in a box and, like a dumbass, the bottle of harsh chemicals right on top.

By the time I bothered to look in the box again, I shrieked like a 5 year old girl:

FUCK. My favorite cover ever...

The lid on the cleaner bottle was loose and slowly dripped chemicals all over my classic newspapers. The colors ran like crazy, but somehow, the papers were salvagable and even somewhat readable after airing them out.

Anyone else accidentally destroy their precious childhood memories? Tell me I'm not the only moron who shouldn't be around hazardous chemicals.

Rank of Ranks

The San Jose Sharks only have 1 problem right now. It's getting pretty hard to quantify just how good this team is. Broadcasters have to make up records just to try and put 22-3-1 in perspective. Best 26 game start ever! Hooray!?

Below is a chart of every NHL team and their rank in the following 4 categories: Goals For, Goals Against, Power Play %, and Penalty Kill %. I then summed up those ranks and sorted the teams from lowest to highest. A perfect score would be 4; A perfectly abysmal score would be 120. No surprises here - the San Jose Sharks are at the top.


San Jose is (Ed: almost) the only team in the top 10 in all 4 categories. If we factored in Home Record and Road Record the blowout would have been even greater, as the Sharks are 1st and T-2nd in those categories respectively.

Yes We Can

Fear the Fin and Couch Tarts have thrown their hat in the ring for GOOCH '09 campaign, so why the heck not, me too.

You can get these wonderfully professionally photoshopped items at the brand new Chum Bucket CafePress store here! Shirts! Buttons! Christmas! Buy!

And if you haven't already, or even if you have, remember to VOTE FOR SETOGUCHI.

Sloppy Fourths

You probably heard about Sean Avery classing up the joint yesterday. This seems like a perfectly good excuse for a gratuitous Elisha Cuthbert gallery. Mmmmmm...

Back to Avery, when you play for 4 teams in 8 years, I guess you become an expert at being passed around like a useless piece of meat.

Now seems like a good time to remind everyone that perfect goddesss Elisha Cuthbert was the one that dumped Avery, and that Avery is the only douchebag on the planet who couldn't get in Paris Hilton's panties.

The next Dallas-Calgary match-up is February 3rd. Having to wait 2 months to see Phaneuf vs. Avery sucks, but fantasizing they both die in a bloody pulp will somehow pull me through.

The Big Question

No one seems particularly concerned about the on-ice game today (prediction: Sharks win!). No, the question is more philosophical in nature:

To boo or not too boo.

The line looks something like this:

Will Ron Wilson be booed in San Jose tonight?
- Yes (+130)
- No (-120)

I'm throwing $200 on Yes. Sharks fans are a bunch of assholes. We would boo Ghandi if he played for the Stars.

In the end, the San Jose Sharks and their fans experienced some great moments under the Ron Wilson regime. He turned a good, underperforming team into an annual playoff threat. San Jose would not be #1 in the league right now were it not for that sardonic sonufabitch.

But whatever. Boo him anyways. Its way more fun than that polite golf clap bullshit.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Inside The Empire

In honor of Ron Wilson and the Toronto Maple Fails visit to the Tank tonight, I'm throwing up an old post I finished put never put on the site. This was written almost 1 year ago to the date (11/30) and concerns the infamous 8-hour Q&A session between Doug Wilson and Ron Wilson prior to the 07-08 season. Somehow RW managed to salvage his job, and would go on to drive San Jose right into a brick wall. Who wouldn't want to revisit that high point in Sharks history? Enjoy!

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Setting: Doug Wilson's utilitarian office in stately HP Pavilion. The walls and furniture are a steely coat of gray. Hidden beneath the desk, a tiny chest contains the soul of former Boston GM Mike O'Connell. It is one week after the Sharks premature playoff exit this past spring (Ed: Now 2 springs ago, vs. Detroit in 06-07, not the premature playoff exit vs. Dallas in 07-08. UGH. Anyways...).

*The door to the office creaks open*

Ron: C...C..Commander Wilson?

*The enormous black egg-shaped regenerating chamber lets out a sigh as it gradually separates and opens. A perfectly-coiffed toupée lowers slowly, then rests neatly atop the General Manager's head. He swivels to face Ron Wilson.*

Doug: Yes, Admiral Wilson?

Ron: Sir, our team came close to beating the Red Wings... but they had Zetterberg... and Marleau was out of position... Joe can't do it all...

Doug: ZETTERBERG DOES NOT CONCERN ME, ADMIRAL! I want that Cup, not excuses! Now, what is your plan, or perhaps General Zettler would be better suited for the task? Do not fail me again.

Ron: *nervous* Plan. Right. OK... OK... plan... *fumbles with some papers, sweating* P-L-A-N. To fix the Sharks' problems. No heart, all fluff and no substance, terrible on the shootout, no LW or scoring D-men... Plan...

*Doug tightens his grip*

Ron: *gasping for air* Right OK Plan we're gonna let our bargain-basement heart guy go to a conference rival. We're not gonna sign any free agents that could fill in that area or generate some offense from the point. We'll dump salary even though we're already way under the cap. That awesome PP we have? We'll do the exact same thing every power play - they'll never see it coming. Having Carle, Vlassic, Ehrhoff, and Murray, guys with a combined 4 years of NHL experience? They'll be expected to do tons of heavy lifting on the blue line. And our sensitive captain that choked in the playoffs? We'll give him a big fat extension AND a no-trade clause, then expect he'll bounce back from blowing an entire season and a universal bashing from coaches, teammates, fans and the media - just like nothing happened! *still gasping*

Doug: Sounds good.

Ron: Great, I'm gonna hit the links. Be back in 3 months.