BREAKING NEWS: NHL to Eliminate East Coast Bias by Eliminating West Coast

TORONTO, CANADA – In a move widely supported by the media and the only fans that matter, the National Hockey League today announced the end of any favoritism towards East Coast teams by eliminating the West Coast.

By the start of the 2009-2010 season, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman plans to have completely eliminated the pesky and nagging presence of some of the league’s premiere teams. “NBC kept having to fly all their equipment to Dallas and whatnot,” said Bettman, “We really have to keep the Peacock happy or else they won’t renew our crappy contract.” Bettman was also overjoyed at the elimination of lengthy, cross-country flights. “I get really cranky and sometimes cry because my ears hurt. Plus the movie always sucks! I want to watch ‘CARS’ again! VROOM VROOM!!!”

A variety of methods will be employed to accomplish the league’s goal. The five teams in the Central division will simply be moved to the Eastern Conference. The conference will then consist of Atlantic, Northeast, Southeast, and the newly-created Westeast divisons.

Hockey fans frequently complained about not being able to see their favorite players from the Western Conference due to a poorly balanced broadcast schedule. To fix this problem, the best players from the Western Conference have been raffled off to teams in the East. Now fans will be able to see Joe Thornton, Jarome Iginla, and Roberto Luongo during the 2nd, 4th, 10th, and 18th matchups of Rangers vs. Flyers on NBC.

Remaining left coast franchises will be handled on a case-by-case basis.

“We’re just going to stop picking up Phoenix’s calls and hope they go away,” claimed Bettman.

The Anaheim Ducks will be eliminated as a franchise. The team’s 2007 Championship will be redacted from the record books and everyone will pretend that it never happened. Southern California hockey fans are said to be elated with having so much time to jump off the bandwagon.