Selling Ice to Sand People

Take it easy, Carcillo

I really enjoyed this article from Puck Money on why the Phoenix Coyotes can't put asses in the seats. Very comprehensive. After going to a Sharks-Yotes game in Glendale a couple of years ago, I can confirm some of the writer's theories:

• The stadium is in the middle of fucking nowhere. Imagine driving to Gilroy to watch the Sharks. There you go.
• Once you actually get there, Jobing.com Arena is actually really nice. It's part of one of those "Maybe if we build stores and restaurants and activities here people will buy our crappy property" developments. You know, like this one. The Arena is built into the ground and is generally a modern, nice looking sports facility. That said, maybe "jobing" isn't the phrase you want associated with your local sports team.
• Did I mention the stadium is a huge pain in the ass to get to? Here's a mystery for you - Central Arizona is laid out like a giant grid; just parallel and perpendicular streets. How the fuck is there so much traffic? There's no reason to slow down! Just go straight until you need to make a 90 degree turn! Don't go to Coyotes game unless you're prepared to stare at sand and tail lights for 60 minutes.
• Sand and tail lights might be the peak of the experience for Coyote fans because let's be honest - the on-ice product has been absolute garbage for quite a while now. The Coyotes haven't made the playoffs since 2002. The franchise hasn't won a playoff series since 1987, 10 years before they even moved to the desert.

That last point is horrible, borderline tragic. It's no great mystery as to why the Coyotes have attendance problems - their team sucks. If some random NBA team moved to San Jose and proceeded to crap all over themselves for 10 years, they wouldn't see a dime of my money. That's why I don't agree with Puck Money's conclusion that the Phoenix area simply has no interest in hockey. Put a winner out there, score an upset or 2 in the playoffs, then you'll get those asses in the seats. Just ask the 93-94 Sharks. Or the 2008 Arizona Cardinals.

Annual Plea for an All-Star Hardest Hit Competition

As usual, the NHL brass have their priorities in all the wrong places. As I bitched about last year, the weekend is about 1 thing - scoring. Screw defense, screw goaltending, screw fighting. Apparently all the casual fan cares about are big, gaudy, crooked numbers on the scoreboard. Look, here's the entire All-Star Weekend:

• Hardest Shot
• Fastest Skater
• Accurate Shot
• YoungStars Competition
• Breakaway Challenge
• Elimination Shootout (Huh?)
• 2009 NHL All-Star Game

Just 1 event that doesn't specifically involve scoring? No stickhandling competition? Rapid-fire goaltending? Nope, just score score score. The NHL is failing to capitalize on their most precious asset - violence.

So here I go again. Please please please, NHL, add a Hardest Hit Competition. Have 4 guys compete in 3 events - Open Ice, Along the Boards, and Jackass Guest checking events. First set up one of those MythBusters dummies on open ice and along the blue line and have each competitor lay into them. Give each competitor a score based on the force of their impact. For the 3rd event, we bring out the Jackass guys to promote their new DVD or whatever, then have an All-Star annihilate each. Fans can vote on who laid the best hit via text message. Average the scores and you've got a winner.

You want ratings? Promise the fans Johnny Knoxville will get vanquished on open ice by Dion Phaneuf. I can see the lead-in to SportsCenter now - a trembling Knoxville standing at center ice with Phaneuf charging full speed ahead. You wouldn't stick around to watch that?

Slightly Less Lame

The NHL All-Star game got less embarrassing today as Patty Marleau was added to the West squad this morning. Seeing as how he's 4th in the conference in points and freaking 1st in goals, this seems like a worthwhile appointment. Marleau joins the West leader in assists, Joe Thornton, the NHL defenseman leader in points, Dan Boyle, and the coach of the best team in the league, Todd McLellan, as San Jose Shark All-Stars.

Unfortunately none of them will be starting (McLellan aside) because the fans want to see the Chiheim Blackducks vs. Montsburgh Canadian Penguins. Ugh. I'll tune in after the first line change.

Vote for the Sharks! Ah Shit Too Late

Reader Emily sent over this nicely done Sharks All-Star Campaign video, the latest in an infinite series of fan-made propaganda that kicks the shit out of anything from the home office.

Instead of your usual Chum Bucket parade of dick jokes and objectified women, this video really brings some class to the joint - butt jokes and objectified men.

By the way, I realize the All-Star Fan Voting results have been released. But I'm still on vacation so you'll just have to wait a few more days for my earth-shattering opinion (hint: starts with FUCKING and ends with LAME).